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Under the Hood
Pelvic floor physical therapist Dr. Alexandra DiGrado and sex & couples therapist Dr. Rebecca Howard Eudy get real about sexual health, intimacy, and the stuff we didn't learn about our body in school. From the clitoral hood to parenthood, no topic is off-limits. Each episode blends a combined 30 years of clinical experience with compassionate advice and humor, giving you trusted knowledge, practical tools, and the confidence to take charge of your health and relationships.
Under the Hood
Episode 44: The Power of Novelty in Long-Term Relationships
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Long-term relationships can offer trust, security, inside jokes, and the comfort of a partner you can count on...but the routines and daily logistics that come along with them can often bury the spark that first brought you together.
In this episode, sex & relationship therapist Dr. Rebecca Howard Eudy and pelvic floor physical therapist Dr. Alex DiGrado explore why feeling bored in your relationship doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with you or your partner, but rather that it may be an opportunity for change.
They discuss how *novelty* - whether it’s a new restaurant, a local adventure, a weekend away, or just trying something different together (even if it doesn’t go as planned!) can help couples feel more curious, playful, connected, and alive, in and out of the bedroom.
What you'll learn:
- Why the differences that first attract us to a partner can feel more frustrating once daily life and logistics enter the picture.
- How to introduce more novelty without creating pressure or making it feel like a performance.
- How seeing your partner in a different setting, whether they’re charming the waiter or meeting your coworkers, can renew curiosity and attraction.
- Why a terrible interpretive-dance show or another imperfect adventure can still become a relationship-building shared memory.
Tune in if you've ever thought:
- "We used to have so much chemistry...now we're just roomates."
- "I want more excitement in our relationship, but my partner seems fine with how things are."
- "Every time I try to plan a fun date night, I put so much pressure on it that it kind of ruins the fun."
- "I'm not going to have an affair, but I get why people do."
Helpful resources:
- Find a pelvic floor PT near you: pelvicrehab.com or Pelvic Global Directory
- Parents in Love: A Guide to Great Sex After Kids by Dr. Rebecca Howard Eudy
Connect with us:
Dr. Rebecca Howard Eudy
Website: rebeccaeudy.com
Instagram: @rebeccahowardeudy
Newsletter: Parents in Love Substack
Dr. Alexandra DiGrado
Website: bostonpelvicpt.com
Instagram: @bostonpelvicpt
Newsletter: Under the Hood
Under the Hood Podcast
Instagram: @underthehooddocs
Website: underthehoodpod.com
YouTube: @underthehooddocs
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Welcome to Under the Hood. I'm Dr. Alex DeGrotto, your pelvic floor physical therapist. And I'm Dr. Rebecca Howard Ute, your sex and relationship therapist.
SPEAKER_00Hi, Rebecca. Hi, Alex. I'm so excited for this topic. This has been simmering for weeks.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we've had it on our list.
SPEAKER_00I know. So novelty. Yes. And this is something that I first learned about from my own therapist who suggested it for me. And I think it helped a lot. So maybe you can just first explain in therapy speak, but for the lay person what it actually means, and then we can dive in from there.
SPEAKER_01Well, it means exactly what it sounds like.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01You know, new things are exciting.
SPEAKER_00So anything new.
SPEAKER_01Anything new is exciting. A new partner, a new hobby, a new way, a new shirt.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, okay. But in the context of relationships is how we're talking about it today.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. So the idea that novelty is exciting is not new, right? Like you know that this is true.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But in the context of relationships, and particularly in committed relationships, the one of the things that can really kill, spark desire, like that erotic energy, which is not only about sex, but it's about flirting, it's about fun, yeah. Yeah, the relationship. And one of the things that really like puts a lid on all of that.
SPEAKER_00That's the kibosh, as they say, yeah. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01Is routine.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, totally.
SPEAKER_01And commitment. Oh, yeah. And the same thing. The drudgery. Yeah. And so there's this real paradoxical thing that often happens in relationships is that you meet somebody, they're really cool. Yeah. There's lots of novelty, you get to know them, and then you get more and more committed. And then eventually you may get married, you may move in together, you may have children, God forbid. Um, and then it's like that spark gets buried. It's like literally like it's buried under layers of like laundry and dirty diapers and like the humdrum of life. And we think it's gone.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So often I hear patients come in and say, I feel like we're roommates. You know, they just become essentially work partners. Yes. At home. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Because but like probably not good roommates.
SPEAKER_00Because even a fun roommate. Yeah. Sleep deprived, miserable. Yeah. Yeah, it's complicated.
SPEAKER_01Like really not like that fun friend roommate where you're like, I love living together.
SPEAKER_00Let's go out. Yeah. No, okay. All right, but there's hope. There's hope for us all.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there is hope. So the thing, so one of the ways that people build novelty back into a relationship, which is not the right way to do it, but they have an affair.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yes, it makes sense. And they're like, the sex is amazing.
SPEAKER_01Oh, of course. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, they're because it's all new and exciting and novel. Yeah, the spark. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01But obviously for relational reasons, very destructive to the relationship. But so the thing that we're talking about today is how to build that novelty back into the relationship in a way that is relational. That's good for the relationship. Totally. That makes the relationship feel more alive.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I love it. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So there's lots of different ways to do it. Okay, tell us some. So one of the things to think about is this thing that happens when you see your partner in a different setting. Okay. So that's one of the things that makes them novel in the beginning of a relationship, right? So if you meet somebody, it's like you're getting to know them, you're curious. You're observing them out in the world and how they interact. Totally. Okay. I'm seeing this. Yep. And so, you know, it's like you go to meet them with a group of friends, or they come to meet your friends, and they're great, and they're like laughing, and you're like, oh, this person is awesome. Totally. You know? Or like even you go out to eat and they are nice to the waiter. Yeah. And they leave a big tip, and you're like, oh, that person is awesome. And you sort of see a different side of them. Yeah. And so when we are in a relationship and we feel like we've seen every side of our partner, yes. I mean, we can feel a little boring. We can feel a little boring. And so getting into new situations together can be really helpful. And and then also what can happen when we start to feel like there's no novelty, like that spark is gone and it's like buried under the layers, it's like we're too close. This is the person who's sleeping in bed next to us, who's leaving the bathroom door open, who's totally responsible for our, you know, children and all of that kind of stuff. And so seeing them in a different light, getting into that different situation with them. And that might mean like going away for the weekend and being in a hotel together. That's novelty. Yeah, it is. Or taking a, you know, swing dancing class. That's novelty. Doing something new, go trying a new restaurant. Like, so it can be something really simple. It doesn't need to be extravagant and expensive or anything. No, exactly. So that's sort of like life stuff that you can do to introduce novelty. Like it's just it's important to keep discovering together. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And being curious together. I can think on the one hand, having that security and stability of someone who is so predictable and does what they say they're gonna do and is so responsible and following through on all the tasks in the home, that I really appreciate. Oh yeah. And then it's not quite as exciting, perhaps, but there are healthy ways to get that exciting feeling back. And that's so wonderful.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So what you're hitting on is the importance of stability, predictability, like to feel safe, security, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And someone who is reliable. Yeah. That is uh essential in a partnership. Like that that makes sense. Especially with family dynamics, long-term. Absolutely, really good long-term partner, someone you can count on who's gonna be there. But it also can start to feel a little bit boring if you don't also remind yourself that this is also a person who can do new things with you, who can be exciting, who you can be a different version of yourself with. Because really what we're looking for when we're looking for a novelty is not the difference in our partner, but the difference in ourself.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and how we feel. And how we're feeling excited about it and interested.
SPEAKER_01That's exactly right. And so it's one of the reasons I think why we are often attracted to people who are different than us. Yeah. You know, it's like you're attracted if you're like a very type A person, a lot of times those people end up with more spontaneous folks, people who are, and then it starts to drive you crazy in the long-term relationship.
SPEAKER_00So true, the yin and yang.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. But in a non-like sort of logistical situation where you're having to rely on them day to day, it's super fun. So it's one of the reasons why people, when they go on vacation, it's like they have that vacation sex. It's great, it's fun, it's different. Totally. And so Because it's novel. Because it's novel. And just even the change of scenery can be novel. You know, experiencing something, a new country or a new whatever together can really build that novelty back in.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I also feel like it could be positive or negative. I'm thinking of just some silly stuff where even if you go out there and you know, and you get pickpocketed or whatever, it happened together and you're just like, ah, you know, and it's just like, oh, okay, it actually drew draw you closer. Sure. Because you you both experienced it and then it's a memory that you can talk about and yeah.
SPEAKER_01Or you turn on each other and it doesn't go so well. But true. That's hoping. No, I mean it that's gonna happen sometimes.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I love it. Yeah. And I also feel like it doesn't have to be a European vacation. It could be a cooking class, it could just be going and seeing the neighborhood and if you're not used to going out on a walk or whatever. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It does, I think that that's absolutely right. And also it's easier to have that looseness, that willingness to try new things if you can swing a little bit longer. Yeah, even just a weekend away, especially if you have kids. So true. It's easier to kind of get because we sometimes get into those ruts. Oh, yeah. And it's like getting out really out of your comfort zone does help to break you out of that. But it's not like if that's not, you know, you could do it once a year. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's what we do. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_00Totally.
SPEAKER_01And so, you know, novelty, I think, in and out of the bedroom is important. Yeah. And they feed each other. So it's like that thing where if you go on vacation somewhere new, and you're relaxed and you're together, and it's really different than your day-to-day, and the laundry's not staring you in the face, then it's more, it's easier to be relaxed. And often that's when people are having sort of a different kind of sex. It's not just that routine thing that they do on a Tuesday night, it's different, it's more leisurely, it's more novel. Yeah. So they feed each other, but even being able to try new things in the bedroom. Even at home. Even at home. And this is not necessarily I mean, each couple is different.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01What's new for them? But honestly, a lot of people that I talked that I work with, yeah. One of the things that can be really new is actually just talking about sex in a different way. Yeah. What you liked, what you didn't like, totally interested in, sharing fantasies, yeah, kind of stuff. It doesn't need to be like you get real kinky. Although certainly people that there's nothing wrong with that. But starting with how do we talk about it? What are we interested in?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Just the connection is Yeah, even something small, right? Like even just a one-liner. Well, wow, you did that. I love that. Yeah. Exactly.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Or it's like, you know, if you're going on a date night, like maybe you go to a hotel. Yeah. Instead of going to a hotel. Totally. Yeah, right, right, right, right. Like something that sounds very novel. Yeah. Very novel, fun, different. And so just like the willingness even to explore together is building in novelty. It almost doesn't matter necessarily what you do together because what you do together is about the connection and what you both enjoy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Okay. But trying to get outside of the usual routine, you know, so not going to your same neighborhood place that you always go to. You're saying, like, let's get out and do something a little different than what we usually do.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean, not all the time. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that neighborhood place. There's nothing wrong with the Tuesday night.
SPEAKER_00Except if the spark is dead and you're feeling like, okay, I really want to liven this up and get back to being attracted to you and all that.
SPEAKER_01Yes. And also I would just throw in like a word of caution here because one of the things that I see with my clients a lot is that one person may be feeling the lack of novelty more than the other. Okay, got it. And so they're sort of trying to initiate building in these experiences or doing these things.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and the other person's like, I'm good.
SPEAKER_01Or like they're, you know, they're good, but it's like it, it's sort of, you know, they they may need a little bit of something different. So it's it's important to have this conversation. Yeah, it's like interesting. You know, if if one person's like, I booked a skydiving, and the other person's like, I don't want to do that, then it's uh issue. And and additionally, sometimes if it can be, it can feel like a lot of pressure. Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00Oh, definitely. The hotel, it's gotta be. Oh, so true. You can think of those vacations that just went horribly wrong and you needed it to go well, and it just didn't. And it's like, ugh, what a letdown. Yes. Totally.
SPEAKER_01So to the extent to which it's possible, going into those situations without like so, for instance, I have some clients who are, you know, older adults and they still do this really well. They will go to a new show or they'll they love going on adventures together. And so, and they keep it sort of local, you know, but they love, you know, going and and trying these new things together. And and, you know, they come in and they tell me about these things that they've done that are like an utter disaster. You know, they went to this like interpretive dance thing that was like terrible. They ended up both they're like laughing because they both fell asleep. You know, they're like both taking a nap. And then they, you know, the the the train is whatever, you know. You can laugh about it later, yeah. Yeah, but but doing the different thing together, and it's not that it's always gonna go smoothly or that it has to be perfect, but being willing to still explore together. Yeah, I love that. That's sort of what builds the novelty.
SPEAKER_00Oh, that's very cool. Nice. Thank you. Welcome. Thank you for listening to Under the Hood. If you liked this episode, please take a minute and leave us a review. And we'd love to hear from you. If you have any ideas for future episodes, please let us know.